Dogism Read online

  What is funny is the relationship my wife and I have makes us the envy of many. We have financial stability, a house, two cars, a healthy child, we’re young, educated, good-looking, and the list goes on. As for me in particular, I’m viewed as the most positive black man aside from men like Michael Jordan and Jesse Jackson.

  It’s scary, because although no one knows about the dirt I do, it’s as though I’m leading a double life. The thing is, I don’t always consciously realize the possible consequences of my split life. I just find myself doing things that I’ve been conditioned to do from the past. Not that that’s an excuse, but hey, I don’t ever want to be viewed as just a little better than Satan.

  Well, like every week, Sunday rolled around, and I found myself in the front row of the church pews. I was singing songs, praising God, praying, and really doing it up, yet I still was thinking about Toni. She wasn’t the only female who crossed my mind. I also found myself looking at the bodies of some of the sisters in the congregation—that, too, was becoming commonplace for me. It’s mad wild ’cause the sexual thoughts just pop up out of nowhere.

  Fortunately, despite my sexual fantasies, I also had a chance or two to pay close attention to the sermon, and I was very convicted by what was being said. But just how long would that conviction last?

  After service was over, I did like I usually do, and sought out visitors of the church and made them feel welcome. I thanked them for coming and encouraged them to come again. I extended to them the opportunity to study the Bible and told them I was there to answer any biblical questions they might have. If one didn’t know better, one would have thought that I was a pastor in training. Yeah, I had the charm and charisma of Denzel Washington, but the guilt of being a Christian-slash-sinner was becoming very draining. I always wonder how long I’ll be able to keep this up. I know that eventually I’m gonna either have to repent or just give in to my desires, ’cause I can’t keep playing both sides of the fence.

  That evening after Sunday dinner was over, Nicole, LL, and I were in the living room. LL innocently asked me if Toni could cut his hair from now on. His question sparked some curiosity in Nicole.

  “Lance, you switched barbers?” my wife asked.

  “Yeah,” I nonchalantly replied.

  “I like the way Toni cuts my hair,” LL joyfully inserted.

  My wife replied, “LL sure is crazy about this Tony.”

  “That’s just because he got free candy when he went. Baby, I forgot to tell you that I decided to try a new barber. A guy on the job got some type of infection on his scalp from dirty clippers, and he was using the same barber that we’ve been taking LL to.”

  “Really?” Nicole inquired.

  Knowing that I was lying through my teeth, I jazzed up the lie by adding, “Yeah, these ghetto barbers don’t take good care of their blades.”

  Then LL totally blew up my spot when he smiled and devilishly said that he thought that Toni was pretty.

  “LL, what are you talking about? Wait a minute. Tony is a female?” Nicole asked.

  Trying to downplay it, I simply said, “Yeah, women know how to give men hair cuts. You didn’t know that?”

  “I know that, I just didn’t know they had a woman working in the barber shop. I guess that unisex name threw me off.”

  I replied, “Oh, Toni doesn’t work in the barber shop. She works in a beauty salon.”

  “Oh, where at?”

  “In Brooklyn,” I answered.

  “Brooklyn? You went all the way out to Brooklyn for LL to get his hair cut?”

  I had no idea where this line of questioning was going, so I was trying to think of an evasive statement. Fortunately, LL spoke up.

  “Yeah, and Daddy got his nails done like a girl,” he said.

  My wife smilingly asked, “Honey, you got your nails done?”

  That was my out. I had to divert Nicole’s attention because I knew she was gonna ask who Toni was and from where I knew her. I didn’t want to be forced to lie again.

  “Yeah, I got my nails done. And you didn’t even notice,” I jokingly said. “Baby, I’m trying to make this marriage thing work, but if you can’t even notice when I go out of my way for you and get my nails done, well I don’t know . . .”

  As my wife playfully slapped me, she gestured for my hands so she could examine them. Without warning, I took her hands and pulled her close to me and gave her a real passionate kiss. Although LL was in the room, it didn’t matter because we were always lovey-dovey around him. After the kiss my wife smiled at me. We both knew what time it was. I left the room, and my wife proceeded to take LL to his room to prepare him for bed.

  Later that night Nicole and I made love for about a half hour. Throughout the whole sexual encounter, passion was bouncing off the walls. I was hoping LL didn’t hear us or the bed constantly squeaking.

  When we were done, I felt great because not once during sex did I think about Toni or any other woman for that matter. Nicole was the only person on my mind that night. We had a stimulating conversation as we cuddled in the dark and kissed each other until we fell asleep.

  FOUR

  My wife, who has a master’s degree in forensic psychology, works for the New York City Department of Probation. Basically, she is the boss for about fifteen probation officers. She has a very stressful job—it’s like she’s constantly taking on all of the stress that the probation officers feel. Plus, she has to deal with obnoxious judges, lawyers, and district attorneys. Despite the stress, Nicole loves her job, but if it were up to me, I would have her stay home with our son. Unfortunately, she sees her career as a very high priority in her life.

  I work as a service technician for Con Edison. I started the job as a co-op when I was in high school, and I stayed on and became a full-time employee after graduation. Basically, I respond to all types of gas and/or electrical emergencies as well as regular service calls. The blue-collar job is definitely not a glamorous one, but it pays extremely well, and with the benefits, I would be a fool to leave for something else.

  I received my bachelor’s degree in business by going to college at night. The company paid for the whole thing, so it was like I went to college for free. In the future I might look to move into management, but right now I’m more than happy with the position that I have. It’s like I’m my own boss. I’m out in the field driving around all day by myself, except for the days that I ride with a partner. The beauty of the job is the freedom it affords me while I work. Unfortunately though, the job can also get me into trouble. I say that because every day I go into houses with gorgeous women and the temptation to flirt is always there. I also have to deal with seeing nice-looking ladies when I drive around on the street. The battle that I have with preventing myself from approaching many of these females is enormous. I would be lying if I said that I have never succumbed to my hormones while on the job.

  As a matter of fact, after searching the database in my brain, I realized that it was on the job that I first encountered Toni. A couple of weeks ago I’d received a service call for “no hot water” at International Hair Designs. When I responded to the beauty salon, I walked into the midst of chaos. There were about seven women who were mad as hell because they had to get their hair washed in ice-cold water. I was like some sort of savior when I walked into that shop. I quickly put everyone at ease, and I explained to them that it was probably just the pilot light that was out and needed to be lit.

  Being that the spring was in full swing and the summer was right around the corner, it meant that it was time for me to show off my body. I accomplished that by cutting the sleeves of my uniform very high, about to the top of my triceps. That way whenever I carry my tool box, the weight of the box naturally made my muscles flex.

  I’d noticed Toni as I made my way to the dark basement to examine the water heater. She really hadn’t paid me any mind, but I was whipped from the moment that I walked past her and saw her. As for the other females who were in the shop, I heard them whispering
and making remarks about how I looked. They were saying things like, “Girllll!” and “Um, um, um!”

  The comments were flattering, but I really didn’t sweat it because I was zoning off on Toni. She had a real exotic look. What struck me the most was her butterscotch complexion, her nice eyes, and her hair. I immediately noticed that her hair was the type that doesn’t even need a perm in order for it to be straight. It looked as though if she were to wet it, it would be wavy. Her body was slamming from head to toe. She wasn’t like bam, bam, boom. She didn’t have one of those ghetto butts with a one-to-two waist-to-butt ratio or a chest like Dolly Parton, but she was very well proportioned and had more curves than an hourglass. I would say that Toni’s measurements were about 34-25-40.

  When I left the shop that day, all I could think about was Toni. The first thing I did when I had reached home was call my man Steve to let him know about my day.

  Steve and I have been tight for years. In fact, he was the best man at my wedding, the man responsible for throwing me the wildest bachelor party on record. The bachelor party where I’d met and sexed Scarlet. The cool thing about Steve is that I can tell him anything. He knows that I’m trying to be sincere in my Christianity, yet he doesn’t trip if I join him on a visit to the booty bar. He understands what it’s like to be a man. It’s bugged because sometimes he says that I should have never gotten married, and then sometimes he’ll say that I am the stupidest man in the world for even looking at another woman.

  I feel mad at ease around Steve because when I’m around him I don’t have to put on a front. I mean the majority of my other friends, who unlike Steve are from the church, don’t keep it real, which forces me to put up a front whenever I’m around them. If I ever mentioned to a church member that I looked at another woman, they would be ready to crucify me. But on the inside, I know that ninety-five percent of the men in my church if not a hundred percent of them have the same lust and sex problems that I do. It’s just one of those things that no one talks about.

  It’s like masturbation. If you had one hundred men in a room and asked those who masturbate to raise their hand, I would be surprised if five men responded. What would happen is you would get one hundred men who, in an attempt to hide their embarrassment or insecurity, would start laughing and looking around at one another. Very few, if any, would dare to raise their hand. Yet, if you took an anonymous survey of the same one hundred men and asked them the same question, where absolutely no one would know the results, I bet you ninety-five percent of married and single men who responded to the survey would indicate they masturbate.

  I know I’m not alone in my struggles, because what on earth could these men be masturbating about? It has to be the women around them they are lusting over. Some of the men in the church keep it real, but not enough. So that’s why I’m always hanging out with Steve. My wife encourages me to hang out with men in the church, but I don’t. I feel like it’s work just hanging out with people who don’t keep it real. Then again, I guess that I’m just as afraid to keep it real with them. After all, it’s not like my struggles are a good thing.

  After I left Toni’s shop the first time I met her, I called Steve and told him that I was coming by his crib to kick it with him. The moment I got to Steve’s house, I flooded him with excitement.

  “Yo, Steve, it’s over, kid. It is over. I’m telling you, I think it’s over.”

  Steve curiously questioned, “Man, what’s up? Whatchu talking about? Get at me, dog.”

  “Steve, I saw the baddest female ever. Hands down the baddest. I mean slammin’ from head to toe.”

  Steve nonchalantly downplayed my excitement as he responded. “Yeah, and?” while looking at me as if to say he’d seen this routine before. “What else is new? Lance, you tell me that ish on a regular, and I keep telling you it don’t matter how good a woman looks because there’s always someone else out there who will top her. It’s a bottomless pit. There ain’t no end to the madness.”

  “Steve, but yo, I don’t know. I had a job in this beauty parlor today, and I’m telling you, there was this female, man, she was straight bananas!. Yo, she had that fly Brazilian look that I like, you know? Her look was different than Scarlet’s, but man . . . Her hair was slammin’, her complexion, her shape, her eyes . . .” I paused, then I devilishly laughed as I added, “Yo, I know that her toes have to be the bomb. I’m sayin’, as good as she looks, her toes must be all that. Steve, you know I’m a foot man, no doubt.”

  Steve sarcastically replied, “So let me guess. You’re coming to me with your sob story about how you don’t know how it’s gonna last between you and Nicole. And you feel mad guilty about creeping because you’re a Christian and all that ish, yet you’re ready to turn this new hoe into your housewife.”

  “Steve, yo, like I said when I first walked in the door, I really think that this time it’s over between me and Nicole. I love her and the whole nine, but I can’t keep putting myself through this.”

  “Through what, nigga?”

  “Through what?”

  “Yeah, through what? First of all, did you get the digits from this new chick?”

  “Nah, but—”

  “Did you even kick it to her?”

  “Nah, see you—”

  “Lance, tell me that this chick was at least flirtin’ with a brotha.”

  “Nah, yo, let me explain.”

  “Lance, you never seen this chick before today, you didn’t kick it to her, you got no phone number, and she wasn’t even giving you any rhythm. What I’m trying hard to understand is why the hell are you ready to leave your wife? I hope it ain’t over this chick. Wait, hol’ up, tell me you at least know her name.”

  When Steve got no reply from me, he burst into uncontrollable belly-ache laughter. Watching him come to tears in laughter, I, too, had to give in to the humor of the situation. After almost regaining his composure, Steve laughingly said, “See, that’s exactly why that marriage thing ain’t for a nigga. Lance, you got a dime-piece wife, yet you ready to leave her for someone who you never even spoke to. Lance, you still getting skinz at home. I can understand the married men who have reluctantly become recycled virgins. I can see them wanting to creep or bounce, but you . . . Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha . . . Yo.”

  Steve continued his laughter.

  “Steve, you keep laughing. I bet you you’ll be in my shoes one day when you get married. Watch.”

  Steve tried to keep a straight face, but he couldn’t. He started laughing again as he said, “There ain’t no way in hell I’m gonna be in your shoes. Why the hell am I gonna get married if I’m gonna cheat? I can do that by staying single. Plus, I’m not the churchgoing type or anything like that, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Jesus, it’s to stay away from that marriage thing. I mean think about it, if marriage was all of that then why didn’t Jesus do it? Because he was smart enough to know that niggas need to avoid that marriage thing like the plague.”

  “Whateva, kid. Just mark my words. I’m gonna bag that chick, and when you see how she looks, that’s all that will be necessary. I won’t have to say a word ’cause the joke will be on you.”

  Although Steve took my feelings for Toni as a joke, I became determined to prove him wrong. As a matter of fact, I was determined to keep Steve in the dark about Toni until I was at least up to bat with her. I didn’t even tell him about the roadside encounter I had with her and that had been like two weeks ago.

  FIVE

  When the start of the work week rolled around, I realized that I had to refocus and take care of the home front. I started the week by waking up early and surprising Nicole with breakfast in bed. I carried a tray that held a plate of scrambled eggs, French toast, and a small glass of orange juice. When I woke Nicole up, she was truly surprised.

  “Ohhh, thank you, baby. You are so sweet.”

  My wife proceeded to sit up properly in the bed, and as she reached for the tray, she simultaneously closed her eyes and puckered up in a request for a
kiss. I purposely caused my lips to miss hers, and instead I planted a kiss on her cheek. Then I jokingly informed, “The breath, baby. The breath is kickin’. Let’s keep it real. It’s like five in the morning, and you haven’t seen a toothbrush.”

  With that, we both started laughing. Nicole snapped back at me, “Yeah, that’s why you still got eye boogers caked in your left eye.”

  Again we burst into laughter. I playfully tapped Nicole on the head with my pillow before making my way to the kitchen to grab my breakfast tray so I could join her in eating. When I made it back to the room I said grace and we began to eat.

  “Lance, I love when you surprise me like this.”

  “I know. That’s why I did it. There’s gonna be a lot more surprises like this, so be prepared.”

  As we ate and talked, I realized that marriage was made for moments like the present one. I constantly needed to remind myself of such. As we ate, we discussed the highlights of the passionate sexual encounter we had engaged in about eight hours ago. We said how much we loved each other and how we wished we could spend the whole day in bed. But we knew that Mondays were never fun, and we were actually spending too much time in bed as it was. If Nicole didn’t catch the 6:59 train she would definitely be late for work. We put the trays out of the way, and rolled around in the bed and hugged for a couple of more minutes. Then Nicole went to take her shower and to get dressed.

  As Nicole got ready to leave, I woke LL up so he could see his mother off to work. And as was the case every morning, after LL kissed his mom goodbye, he asked for a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and proceeded to make his way to his usual location, which was in front of the television to watch cartoons. With Nicole out of the house, it seemed as if the morning was flying by. I got LL dressed and I, too, got dressed. Before I knew it, it was time to drive LL to the daycare center. LL and I had a ball every day during our ten-minute ride. I enjoyed our morning rides because LL and I would always converse. Our conversations allowed me to teach LL so much about life and answer all of his poignant questions.